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They said it would, but I didn’t believe them. They believed in me, but I didn’t. They told me I was strong, to have hope, they told me it was karma. They told me to leave, told me to be brave, to fight, to give, to accept and to move on. I tried, I really tried. I did everything I was supposed to do and boy it took everything I had. So many nights I wondered if I would ever get through this, tears soaked my pillow and an endless amount washed down the drain. I wished for non-existence, I wished for change, I wished to be free and I wished for the strength to give up. I don’t know exactly when the clouds started shifting, but they did. When I allowed the light to come through, there were moments of rebirth, surrender and gratitude. So, I leaned into those rays of light and over time they became stronger, pushing away the raging fears and embracing the calm, the peace, the stillness that remained. From time to time the storm still visits, but it is never as torrential or damaging, instead it acts as a reminder that there are still more clouds that need to shift so that my light, in all its power, can shine through.

If I had known I would have held on a little longer. I would have reveled in the presence of you without hurrying off. I would have sat and chosen to be with you in as many moments as possible. I would have found the joy in the simple things with you. I would have said thank you to the sun for giving you light and thank you to the earth for giving you a haven. If I had known our time apart would be like this, I would have made sure you felt my love so that it would linger in your soul until I had the chance to show you again. If I had realised then how truly impermanent life is, I would have breathed in your energy so that it would sustain me until we met again.

How do we tame the spirit of something so wild, unhindered and free? There is so much to learn from this untamable beast as it passes through, refreshingly renewing all it touches. Ruffling, disrupting and reviving anything motionless so that is able to come alive. Yet the most powerful thing about wind is that it never stays, never holds on to all it touches and continues living unobstructed by all it has seen and felt. In observing this, I am reminded that I too desire to be like the wind. I desire to touch the lives of others in a way that ignites their spirit. Yet I wish to remain uncaptured, like the wind, passing through their lives, invigorating but not remaining. For I know that if I stay, I will trap the freedom of an unlimited power by creating an identity for it, by governing it with rules and suffocating it with beliefs. Instead, I yearn to discover the weightlessness of true freedom, I yearn to be like the wind, ever present, observing and impacting but never lingering.

To those that wounded me, I am angry, but I refuse to give you the power of destroying me. I nearly surrendered, there were days where you won. There are still days where you win. But I am fighting and I am doing it to honour my wound and make it stand for something more than the resentment of what was taken.

You have been told your words don’t matter. You have been taught to stay silent. It’ll get better they said. Did it? You craved to be taught to thrive. But instead, you were conditioned to sacrifice. You were taught to give. Give until you had nothing left. When you had nothing left, you were told to give a bit more. So you did. And when you had nothing left to give you had no choice. So you gave yourself away.