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In my mind it was a meaningless existence. The world around me was moving on, laughing, feeling, experiencing and I was excluded from it all. It felt foreign, like I was spiraling out of control, with no end in sight, no happiness just guilt. Guilt for wishing away my current state, guilt for completely being consumed by my own grief and complete hatred for every moment that I was living. So angry, frustrated and completely trapped. Thankful for nothing except the shower, a place that would wash away my tears and leave no trace of evidence behind. There was a scream trapped inside my head, unable to come out and getting bigger and bigger as each meaningless day rolled past. My eyes were stripped from seeing any particle of joy. Everything, everyone, every object, every word, book, song, show, every word of wisdom was a source of sorrow. There is an end, but you have no energy to hope, so you do not see it. “How are you?” they ask. But how do you tell them? How do you make them understand that there is hatred, sadness and resentment seeping out of your every pore? “Be happy, savour the journey, you are so blessed.” they say. But do they know that this suffering is beyond sanity? Beyond anything you have control over? And so you roll over, close your eyes, resign yourself to this meaningless existence and pray that sleep will come. Only it never does and you lie there spiraling further into the darkness.

I am sorry I took so long to realise that all you wanted, all you needed was to feel safe. To feel safe that who you were was enough. I am sorry that you were not taught about the perfection in you, a type of perfection that is uniquely yours. A type of perfection that has the potential to serve others in the most meaningful way. And no, I am not saying you are perfect, and nor do you have to be. I am saying that you are perfectly exceptional, perfectly imperfect, perfectly you and I am sorry that it took me so long to realise. I am sorry that somewhere along the messiness of our lives I forgot to nurture your spirit, I let it drift away when it needed to be lifted, lifted amongst the heavens to show you your worth. I am sorry that I did not understand how to show you love, instead I let the noise enter and I believed that we were imperfect. But I am here now. I have done the work for both of us. I have dived deeper than I ever have, I have seen you with eyes that have now been nourished with the wisdom of understanding our pain, and in doing so I have uncovered­ our strength. I do not see how we can be broken again, not in the same way as before, because I finally, finally, finally see you. I finally know you and I am finally ready for you to just be you. I can feel your relief, your freedom and I can finally feel your peace. So be you. And when I feel you dancing freely inside, I know that I will be the best version of me.

I saw her there, in the corner, hugging her legs, chin resting as though she had given up. I walked over to her and I gave her a hug. A hug I should have given her a long time ago. I hugged her for me and I hugged her for her because she was me and I was her and she was loved and so was I. But she also needed more love and so did I. She needed to know that she was valued, worthy and understood. She needed to know that she was stronger and wiser than what the world saw and the world was just not ripe enough for her yet. She needed to know her power was within her and the story in her mind is not real. I desperately needed her to know so that I would know. So that I could heal, grow, change and reinvent. For she does not realise how strong she is, she does not realise how much I need her right now, how much I need her to believe so that I can believe right now, in this present moment, that I am worthy. That I am enough. There is magic in her eyes. Now if only she could see it, I could see mine too.

Was I so insignificant that it did not matter whether I bloomed or not? Was I so meaningless that it did not matter that I withered away? Was my soul not as precious as yours that it did not require tending to? When your desires grew so desperate that your morality wavered, my petals began to fall. Each one crashing to the ground taking a part of my spirit with it, leaving me a little more crumpled and a little more broken, trying to bloom but not having the strength to do so. Trying to give you the air to breathe because I did not want you to wither and fall. I hoped, with the good that was in me, that you would see me too. But you didn’t. With your final betrayal you punctured a hole right through my core and I was left crushed, wilted, with no hope of ever blooming again.

I hope you know how powerful you are. As you curiously make sense of the unknown, absorbing, noticing, questioning. I hope you know how powerful you are, as your innocence makes the world seem magical. The way you accept us, never trying to change who we are, but instead seeing how you can fit into our world. I hope you know how powerful you are with your limitless imagination and creativity that transcends logic and reality.

I hope you know how powerful you are with your ability to be present, completely in the moment and so at peace with yourself. How your gratitude can make us feel seen, your love and kindness have the purity to heal and your forgiveness, the power to teach. I hope you know how powerful you are when you keep persisting even though I can see frustration slowly taking over.

I hope you know that there is power even when anger and sadness surface, as it is a reminder that you are alive, that you want more, that something is not right or you are still learning. I hope you know how powerful you are when you make connections with the world and you cleverly add another skill, another word, another piece of knowledge into your always eager mind. 

And even though at times it may seem as though your power has gone, the light has diminished and you feel scared, lost or confused I hope you know that your secret power can never leave you. Search deep into your soul for it is there that the light never vanishes, your true purpose, the reason you are here, your secret power is there waiting for you to be ready again. It is your shining glory, your true love, your peace.

Find it again and again until your soul is so embedded into everything you do. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, embrace it and when you rise you will be braver than you have ever been. And then when you are ready, show us, let us share the honour of seeing you because I have no doubt that you will fly and in doing so you will make the world smile. 

If you were to ask me where the light was in my life, I would have told you that the only light I hold was in the souls of my children. For when I had withered away, they were the only thing bringing me back to life. When they were not around there was no light remaining for my petals to unfold, there was no reason for me to exist beyond them. But now I see the light everywhere. It is still a constant in the eyes of my children, the light that emanates from them is the spark of curiosity, reminding me to give them the freedom to be themselves. I see the light as it illuminates part of a tree in the morning light, waking it from its slumber and giving it energy for the day, igniting my sense of appreciation for a marvel that is out of our control. I see the light as it brightens the wings of a bird suspended momentarily in midair, before it regains control and carries on towards its destination. That light teaches me to be mindful, for there is so much to miss and so much to be lost when we are not paying attention. I cannot see the light but I can feel it as the wind kisses my face, a fresher feeling I am yet to find, reminding me that this continual rebirth is necessary, refreshing and essential to feed my inner light. As I allow the sun’s rays to give me energy I can see, I can feel and I can revel in the light that is within me and it blooms each day from within, increasing in magic, purity and spirit as I learn to forgive, release and protect a light that I know will never be lost again.

The downpour soaked the earth, washing away any traces of the past, cleansing and renewing. Like a woman, monthly releasing what she no longer needs. The downpour became destructive, leaving a trail of lost memories and broken possessions. Like a mother who birthed life at the expense of her own vessel, now a distant memory of how it used to be. The downpour asked the earth to drink, and keep drinking until it could hold no more. Like a grandmother who sacrificed her all until her last ounce of energy was spent. The downpour was loud, thundering against everything it touched so that we would pay attention. Like a sister that roars fiercely when she has your back. The downpour breathed life into all the roots, re-energising any that were becoming stagnant. Like a daughter who was born to break tradition. The downpour etched its memory into every crack, seeping into the core of the earth, so that everything that grew from this moment would carry the memory of what was just witnessed. Everything that would now grow would be stronger, wiser, braver and more powerful because it chose to keep growing despite it all. Like a woman.

Time to bloom. The sun said to the lotus.

How? My roots are etched so deeply into the mud. What will I become? replied the lotus.

Our roots do not have the power to define us, they are merely a place for us to draw our energy from.

But how do I abandon the mud? asked the lotus.

You use the mud. You cannot grow without it.

So the lotus used the mud. The mud taught the lotus, it gave strength to her and it drowned her many, many times. But the lotus never forgot what the sun said. She knew where she was going. Then finally, the lotus bloomed. She was magnificent, not because she abandoned the mud, but because she was completely at ease in the mud.

Vibrate on such a frequency of love that every atom in your body is overflowing with it. Then the Universe has no choice but to match the magnitude of love you radiate.

Vibrate on such a frequency of love that every atom in your body is overflowing with it. Then the Universe has no choice but to match the magnitude of love you radiate.

You are my sun, You are my moon, You are the stars that expand the Universe. You and I have travelled this journey for eons. We have loved each other, we have lost each other, We have fought, cried, hugged and laughed, But above all we have found each other again. We are sewn together by the threads of our past, Interwoven with such certainty that there is no doubt, Ours is an eternal love.

I look at the moon and I dream. I share my secrets, my plans, my stories. I see it gleam brighter, glowing a little more with the hopes I carry. I watch a little longer and I see it glimmer again and I’m certain it’s heard the dreams of another. I stare in awe at this magical orb that has watched the souls of this world for eons, that has listened ever so patiently as stories were told, as lives were birthed and loves were lost. I marvel at its grandeur with a slight pang in my heart knowing that if we noticed her more, we would realise how connected we all are. How for centuries she has listened as we have revealed our souls and cried about our losses. How when our heart aches for another she is able to connect us and for that moment in time we are anchored to the same place and the distance between us will evaporate.

My first soulmate. My first comfort and my first home. Now I understand how your heart aches when mine is aching. I understand your fear as I went off into the world, barely glancing back. I understand how your heart would have swelled up when I soared and how it would have broken when you wanted to give me more, but couldn’t. I understand how you sacrificed your body to bring me into this world and how it will forever be marked and changed because of me. I feel your cringes as you look in the mirror and quickly remind yourself that it was all worth it. Now I see that you did get sick too, but you never stopped. How could you? Your heart didn’t beat for yourself, it lived for us. I understand there would have been days where you wanted to succumb to the exhaustion but we were your greater good. I see you now. I understand you now. Mama, you etched your love onto my heart from the moment I came to you, and it only spread from there, lacing my veins with such a power that no matter the distance between us, I will always feel the love of my first home.

The phoenix represents the continual rebirth that we undergo through life. It is a symbol of strength, reinvention and rising again. It is a reminder that we can use our own scars to emerge again. That we can take those memories and rise above them into a new, stronger existence.

I have never felt as powerful as I feel today. You are a bold, bright energy roaring through my body, keeping me strong, keeping me fearless. Oh, how I wish I had found you earlier! Perhaps I would not have been as grateful for you then. For I am now wiser, I have confronted the consequences of my past, dabbled with illusions of happiness, mended a shattered existence and I have won. So, I continued this love affair with you. I nurtured it. I let it get broken and gave it time to heal, I asked for help, I cried and I released. And as I became grateful for the most ordinary of things, you transformed them into the most extraordinary of things. And suddenly there you were, my secret power, I found you in the quiet lull of the morning, I found you amongst the chaos of a mother’s life, in the adoring eyes of my son, the wise remarks of my daughter, there you were as I rekindled my love for lost passions, as I heard my mother laughing, almost in tears, I found you in each word that crossed my page and when I allowed myself to feel love. It dawned on me that you were here all along, weren’t you? Waiting, ever so patiently, for me to be ready for you. And when I found you, you were ever so humble, slipping quietly into my existence, letting me take the glory, for finding me.

I became hardened by the lack of freedom that comes with putting others first. It is a noble act, yet I became so consumed by it that it grew into a resentment. And when that struck, it was like a plague. Spreading and controlling my mind, all consuming, dark and unpleasant. I began to resent resentment. I gave it power and it destroyed me. My energy was so attuned to it that I attracted more of it. I tried to claw my way out but it had infiltrated my roots. I believed that I did not deserve good things, that I was too greedy, there was too much anger inside. I became angry about being angry. I questioned my kindness, was it genuine? Bad things shouldn’t happen to kind people therefore I must not be genuinely kind. My past self was now riddled with guilt, torment and confusion. There was too much of a dichotomy between who I thought I was and who I was presently struggling with. It was almost as if the past was erased, everything I knew, believed, everything I had constructed my identity from disappeared. And so did I.

There are those rare, precious occurrences in your life where you find an extension of yourself in the outside world. Someone who has the same soul energy as you, someone who you have journeyed with over countless lifetimes, someone who mirrors your soul, an extension of your spirit. When your two energies collide, it does not matter if the collision was monumental or subtle, it does not matter what the nature of your relationship is or if that moment was only a one-time occurrence. You would have unknowingly changed the course of your existence, emerging as a different person, because when you meet someone vibrating on the same frequency that you are all too familiar with, you are inextricably connected. You have entrusted each other with a part of your soul, to keep until it all makes sense, until the reason your paths crossed becomes clear. When it does, it is only the purest form of love that erupts from your heart. The type of love that only gives and doesn’t take, the type of love that makes you feel weightless, the type of love that only brings you peace. Heartbreakingly, it can also be the type of love that you have to let go of and even though that heartbreak is difficult to comprehend, when you think about the freedom that type of love gave you, you realise that person has etched a permanent mark on your heart. You realise they gave you an answer, gave you strength and gave you a solution. That person made you aware of the most powerful frequency you are able to tap into, and if you use that power and you begin living with it inside you then you realise that everything around you changes for the better. Even though they are not physically there, their soul energy runs inside you, and sometimes that is the purpose of your worlds colliding. 

If my tears could form a picture, they would tell the story of my suffering in the rawest form. For they alone carry the purest memory of my pain.

Thank you for the hard lessons for they have shown me that I can grow, that bravery lies in my vulnerability and that I am powerful in my own way. Thank you for giving me health and agility so that I have the ability to keep up with life. Thank you for the spiritual presence that I feel all around me, constantly reminding me that I am not alone in my journey. Thank you for giving me people that love me deeply, that challenge me and people that need me and teach me. Thank you for teaching me to be compassionate because that has always been my saving grace. Thank you for gifting me with my talents and showing me how I need to use them to serve a greater purpose than myself. Thank you for bringing abundance into my life and showing me that life can be rich in every possible way. Thank you for showing me the power of the sun and how it can not only brighten a day but how it has the power to warm and nourish the light within me. Thank you for showing me that I have an inner wisdom that will keep me resilient no matter the circumstance. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for all I had, for all I am and all that is to come.